


The Story That Won't End

by BeaAlv



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M, Manga & Anime, POV First Person, POV Nagisa Kaworu, Sad, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24189097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeaAlv/pseuds/BeaAlv
Summary: A short story about the evolution of the relationship between Ikari Shinji and Nagisa Kaworu, taking into account the manga, anime and Rebuild of Evangelion films.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Kudos: 29





	The Story That Won't End

**Author's Note:**

> I have to say, this story is more of a catharsis to me than anything else... I just need to get this emotions out of my chest. Also, I just put the major character death because Kaworu keeps dying jfc give him a break. 
> 
> Sooo, this is kinda of a letter from Kaworu to Shinji, it's my take on what he would have said to Shinji if he had the chance to. 
> 
> I apologize beforehand for any mistakes! English it's not my first language, so if you see anything wrong please tell me.

_Everything I've been, everything I am_  
My heart's the same as yours  
I love you the same 

_"I think I was born to meet you."_

Is it impossible to have our happy ending, Shinji?

I couldn't give you the happiness that you wanted, that you deserved. I couldn't stay by your side. But this is my journey, my deepest desire.

Make you happy, see your smile. Even if it takes forever, even if I have to live thousands of realities, I will do whatever it takes.

[ I ]

Since that moment when we were in the ruins of what was once Tokyo, you came to me when you heard the melody of "Ode to Joy", holding a small creature in your arms. An abandoned kitten, a being that would not survive long if left alone there.

You came to me, and you were part of my mission. I should approach the famous "Third Child", the pilot of Unit 01. I should follow the prophecy, I should pave the way for the Instrumentalization of Humanity.

The days passed, and every moment I was with you was like I was rediscovering the world. You seemed to be trapped in darkness, and I didn't understand how someone so bright as you could feel like that. To be honest, I didn't understand _you_. It seemed that you wanted to get close to people, but you kept walking away.

Only much later did I realize that this was your method of self-defense. You were traumatized, and you decided that you no longer needed friends. If everyone around you got hurt, hurt you, or both, you would just stay alone. You were tired of losing them, and you decided to isolate yourself to prevent this from happening again.

Like the hedgehog's dilemma.

I already told you that: in particular, your heart is fragile like glass.

You tried to drive everyone away, and you tried to drive me away, when all I wanted was to get close to you.

I saw you suffer for Asuka Langley Soryu. For Rei Ayanami. You stayed in my room, hiding from everyone and everything. I could be close to you, but at the same time, you couldn't be further away.

I kissed you. But it wasn't exactly a kiss, was it? I was just trying to get your breath back to normal. It was just a way of trying to help you. But I needed to know. I asked you, but you couldn't remember.

_"What would it be like if you had feelings for me?"_

But…

You said you wouldn't be my friend.

You said that you didn't like me.

I was jealous, I was sad, I was angry. I couldn't understand you, and I couldn't understand myself.

And then we were face to face, you inside Unit 01, and I was stuck in her gigantic hand.

Me, an Angel, and you, from Lilin.

We shouldn't, we couldn't have any relationship that didn't end with the destruction of one or the other.

And you didn't deserve it.

I was created to make the Third Impact. But after I met you, I found out... I found out that I also had my own will.

I went against my own existence. My life has always been in the hands of SEELE, and I would die anyway. The only thing left for me was to choose how I would die.

And I chose to die by your hands. I asked you to kill me the same way I killed that kitten when we met.

You were angry at me in the beginning, and you were angry in the end too. But I was not doing that for you. I needed to know what you really thought of me.

That was my last wish. If you had felt anything for me, you would kill me.

You asked me, "You knew that we would end up fighting… So why did you try to be my friend!?"

You said, "I never said I hated you!"

And that's when I understood.

And that's when you made my last wish come true.

[ II ]

The second time was a little different.

I remembered you, but you didn't remember me, and yet you allowed me to get closer.

Our first meeting was on that shore, and the water looked like blood in the light of the setting sun. You weren't well — it's like you never can be really fine — and was shaken by everything that had happened in the past few days. Your friends, Ayanami, Asuka, your father...

I was humming the same melody that I played on that piano, "Ode to Joy", and you turned to face me.

I saw your cheeks flush and you gave me that little smile.

(oh, you didn't smile like that last time, and it was like the world had no color and everything was black and white… seeing you looking at me like that was like watching the world fill up with color)

I introduced myself, and you told me to call you by your first name.

Shinji-kun.

_Kaworu-kun._

Hearing you say my name with that smile on your face was more than enough.

I knew where we would end up. I had the orders given by SEELE, the same as the last time. In the end everything would repeat itself, but this time there were differences.

I wanted to spend more time with you, I wanted to try to understand you, I wanted to make you understand yourself. More than anything, I wanted to make you feel wanted.

Shinji, you were so lonely, and I couldn't leave you at the mercy of your self-destructive thoughts. At least for a moment, I wanted to make you smile.

After the tests I found you alone, and you looked so sad sitting there with your walkman. As soon as you saw me and I spoke to you, your cheeks filled up with color, and you smiled back.

You didn't want to go home, so we went to the shower area, and I told you,

_"Are you afraid of other people? I know that by keeping others at a distance you avoid a betrayal of your trust, but you must endure the loneliness. Man can never completely erase this sadness, because all men are fundamentally alone. Pain is something man must carry in his heart, and since the heart feels pain so easily, some believe that life is pain."_

I touched your hand.

And I said I liked you.

Maybe I should have said that I loved you.

You looked so surprised, like you couldn't believe that I was telling the truth. Was I the first one to say those words to you? The first to show this kind of affection to you?

You ran away from people out of fear, but at that moment you seemed to want to believe that maybe this time was different.

I wanted it too.

Except fate is cruel, and again we met face to face. A reflection of the last time.

But unlike before, you felt the betrayal deep in your heart. You let me get close and everything ended as you feared.

_"Thank you. My life made sense because of you"_

And again, you killed me.

[ III ]

I waited for you.

I waited for our reunion (although for you it would be our first meeting), and I knew that everything was different.

After I impaled the Spear of Longinus right at the chest of your EVA, I promised that this time I would make you happy, and then we only met again years later.

Once again you were alone, scared. Your father was not much help - he never was. Misato and Asuka were changed, they didn't trust you. Ayanami was also no longer the Ayanami you knew.

You were looking for answers, trying to understand what had happened to the world, to everyone.

I gave you those answers, and you were shocked. The necklace around your neck was there because they didn't trust you anymore. Because you had caused all that.

I know you did everything thinking about saving Ayanami, and I know you didn't want any of that to happen. I know very well how much you did not deserve any of this, but even so you continued to suffer the curses of this universe.

So I kept by your side.

We played the piano, and I was able to be close. Close to you, touching you, listening to you. I told you that we sound good together, and I really think so. Better than any song.

We lay down to watch the stars, and that was your idea. You had said, "We could watch the stars together, I think it will be fun", and I would not refuse a request from you. I would not refuse the chance to be able to be by your side.

And lying there, side by side, once again I understood.

_"I think I was born to meet you."_

That is my truth.

My destiny is you.

You asked me to fix your walkman, and you said I was amazing.

"Just because I'm always thinking about you," I told you.

You smiled at me, and I just wanted you to trust me.

I took the necklace off your neck and placed it on mine as an act of trust. I would have done it anyway; I couldn't bear to see you die.

I convinced you to get in that EVA because I thought that together we could finally achieve happiness. I thought everything would work out this time because we were together, but something was wrong, and so the necklace was activating.

I didn't want to see that expression, I didn't want to see the tears staining your face. Please don't look at me like that.

_"I couldn't give you the happiness you deserved."_

And this time it wasn't you who killed me, but you still felt the guilt.

But I ask you, please, don't blame yourself, Ikari Shinji.

We will meet again. Even if the world changes, I will not change. All the memories in which I loved you have become a story that will never end, and will always shine.

Even of I have to jump through time to come to you, whatever the cost, I hope I can make you happy.

_Farther than tomorrow, longer than forever._

_I love you._


End file.
